Unique abuse

Liberal and gutsy radio talk show host Lynn Samuels died in 2011. Lynn worked at several New York City radio stations starting in 1979, and had broadcasted on satellite radio since 2003. I listened to her often, but not always. She could be entertaining and annoying. (So can I.)

Sirius XM broadcasted an on-the-air memorial and ran promos for the memorial, describing Lynn as "unique and one of a kind." That's redundant and STOOPID.

"Unique" means "one of a kind." There is no need to say both.

"Unique" is one of the most abused (that's worse than merely misused) words in the English language.

It's very common to read and hear the phrase "most unique." It's used in speeches, ads, commercials, websites, books and news reports. It's used by idiots, and by smart people who should know better. 

Since "unique" means "one of a kind," all unique things are equally unique. Nothing can be the most unique. Nothing can be more unique than another.

A unique snowflake is just as unique as a unique person or pencil.

It's OK to say "most unusual" or "more unusual," but NEVER modify "unique."

And... "exact same" is similarly stoopid.

(Samuels photo from NY Daily News. Thanks.)

A nom de plume that does not make me want to read the book

It’s not unusual for a writer to use a pen name (nom de plume in French). Mark Twain is probab­ly the most famous fake. Twain’s real name was Samuel Langhorne Clem­ens, but he also used Sieur Louis de Conte.

Here's the headline from a crappy-as-usual Outskirts Press book announcement:

"Outskirts Press Announces Nubian Gold, the Latest Highly-Anticipated History – Other Book from Houston, TX, Author Tarchon the Etruscan."

If the author was Conan the Barbarian, Atilla the Hun or Andre the Giant, I might have read more.

If the category was more exciting than "History - Other," I might have read more.

If the publisher was not Outskirts Press, I might have read more.

If the press release was written better, I might have read more.

If the Etruscan was from ancient Italy -- not modern Texas -- I might have read more.

And finally, the full title is Nubian Gold: A Conspiracy of Jewish Proportions. I've heard enough antisemitic crap about alleged Jewish Conspiracies and will not buy the book.

If you're more curious or motivated than I was, it's on Amazon.com

OOPS. I'm not through.

If you need another reason to ignore the book, read this egomaniacal bullshit about the author: "Tarchon the Etruscan is a student of the human condition, wielding the written craft to enrapture the mind much like an artist wields a brush. The pages are a blank canvas on which to draw from a talent heralded by many and matched only by an imagination that rises to the task. Nubian Gold is the reminiscences of a seer’s vision."

It's hard to read that without puking.

Sorry, Tarchon. Somehow, I just don't feel much of an urge to have my mind enraptured, especially by an  egomaniac who is afraid to use his or her real name.

Go back. Go back.
Time travel is possible for writers.

My career as a writer started in fourth or fifth grade, back when Barney roamed the earth.

My friend Alan and I wrote articles about the other kids in our school, and his father's secretary typed them up and printed our  "newspaper" on a mimeograph machine. We priced the paper at a nickel. I don't think we sold many, and may have published only two issues.

I have no copies of our short-lived paper, and don't even remember its name. The name was probably lame and my writing probably sucked and would embarrass me today.

Later, I was a journalism major at Lehigh University and wrote for the student newspaper, the Brown and White (named for the school's horridly dull colors which only a coprophile could be enthusiastic about). I probably saved most of my "clips" from those days, but all but one of them -- a major opus -- disappeared years ago.

After college I wrote for lots of magazines and some newspapers. At first I saved everything that was published. After a while, seeing my byline in print was no big deal, so I stopped clipping and saving. At one time I had bound volumes of Rolling Stone which included my columns. I think the huge books were in my attic, but I haven't seen them in decades. 

I sometimes fantasize about time travel (and space travel,  unassisted flight, X-ray vision and feet that don't hurt).

One recurring fantasy involves the adult-me encountering the child-me. Would adult-me warn the child-me not to make the stupid mistakes up ahead? Would the adult-me like the child-me? Would the child-me be afraid of the adult-me, or think he's an asshole?

With current technology, time travel has to exist in the mind only.

But even without a time machine or a clipping file, there is a way for writers to go back to an earlier era and evaluate their youthful output. We can determine if indeed "the child is father to the man," or if adulthood strayed far from childhood and young adulthood.

I had a special thrill a few years ago. I had an email conversation with Professor Wally Trimble, chairman of Lehigh's Journalism and Communication Department. He let me know that our student paper has been scanned back as far as 1894, and the issues are online and searchable!

Traditionally, newspapers have  had "morgues," where back issues become yellow and moldy, and sometimes crumble.

I know that the New York Times has digitized archives online, but I had no idea that the concept had reached college papers. I suppose that I shouldn't be surprised that Lehigh -- a school known for educating engineers -- would have a digital, online morgue.

Articles and ads going back over a century have been preserved -- perhaps for future centuries.

I was somewhat apprehensive about reading what I had written in the mid-1960s. Would I recognize my writing as "my" writing? How badly was my work butchered by editors? Was I any good then? Was I an asshole?

In one of the Back to the Future movies, Marty McFly wonders if his future kids will think he's an asshole. I understand his fear.

Researching and writing my memoir stirred up some long-buried emotions that probably should have stayed underground, and I was initially reluctant to type my name into the search window on the Lehigh website.

I could not resist for long. I typed in "Michael N. Marcus," and found my name listed as a "reporter" in a 1965-66 staff list. Strangely, I found no links for anything I had written.

I then typed my name without my middle initial, and my monitor revealed the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Apparently I had not yet started using my middle initial in my byline (probably because I despised my middle name until later in my life, when I also realized that there are many other Michael Marcuses and I needed to make my byline distinctive).

I did not find all of the pieces I remember writing, and found some I did not remember. Subjects ranged from mundane (a $50,000 allocation to improve campus safety that few read in 1966 and I did not read years later) to politics and reviews. I found a mildly critical review I wrote of a jazz concert, and a scathing review of a live electronic music concert performed by ME, that I might wish was not preserved for posterity.

After months of wandering through Antarctic blizzards, female Emperor Penguins return home and are able to identify their mates from among thousands of apparently identical males.

I'm amazed that my writing "voice" in 1965 is not even remotely recognizable to me as me.

If I did not see my byline, I could not have identified my words -- and that was very weird. My word sequences were not even as distinct as the feathers on a damn penguin!

The 19-year-old Michael Marcus does not sound at all like the 78-year-old Michael N. Marcus. In 1965, I had not yet developed an identifiable style.

The young-me was a decent journalist, and his writing style is much more serious than the old-me. At least he doesn't seem like an asshole.

I'm sure there are people who think the old-me is an asshole. At age 78, I don't care. As I state in my new book, "If you don’t care what others think of you, you can get a lot accomplished and have a lot of fun."

(Barney pic may be from PBS. Photo of Michael J. Fox as Marty McFly is from Universal Pictures. Photo of penguins is from Southern California Public Radio.)

 Great Bits of Dialog

"Your hump, your hump," cried the girl, "GIVE ME YOUR HUMP!"

(From Candy, by Terry Southern & Mason Hoffenberg).

"If I wasn't a lesbian, I'd jump on your bones.  I have a thing for middle-aged men who remind me of my father. "

(Said  to Mandy Patinkin  playing FBI Special Agent Jason Gideon in TV show Criminal Minds, Season 1, Episode 18, "Somebody's Watching." Writer: Ed Napier. First broadcast: 3/29/2006.)

 Journalism's silly secret
(updated rerun from 2008)

If your impression of how news reporters do their work was gained from watching TV programs like Superman and Lou Grant and the cop shows, you're mostly wrong.

Only a small percentage of reporting — in print, online or in broadcast media — actually comes from snooping around and digging up news.

When a reporter for the New York Times or Washington Post does get a legitimate scoop that's published in the morning, you can be sure that copycats at CNN, MSNBC, Fox and the traditional network news shows will quickly be spewing out the same story.

Investigative reporting remains the holy grail for reporters, the goal that wins praises, raises and Pulitzer Prizes.

But in truth, most reporting is merely rehashing, replaying and relaying the manufactured news that is distributed by newsmakers who want publicity.

These newsmakers range from presidents, bureaucrats and generals who call press conferences or invite reporters to conduct interviews, to the makers of new gadgets who want the public to think that their stuff is wonderful and buy them, or to invest in their companies.

If you channel-surf between 6 and 7PM you might wonder how and why all of the TV news shows are reporting on the same events.

If the event is a war, forest fire, assassination or hurricane, it’s real news and the duplication makes sense.

But if the event is the announcement of a new Toyota, iPhone, quarterback or movie deal, it’s more like free advertising than news. You’re seeing it all over because all of the news editors were fed the same press release, and all of the reporters were fed the same lunch.

There's an unfortunate trend in contemporary journalism, particularly in online journalism, to reporting by repetition and even reporting by robots.

Press releases are "read" by robots, which publish them for human beings and other robots to read.

Sometimes human beings do read the press releases, but they do little or none of the traditional fact-checking that was once an important part of journalism. In many media outlets, there is an automatic assumption of accuracy and honesty that allows almost anything to get published and widely permeated.

If "news" arrives in the proper format, with authentic language, it is almost always believed and is not likely to be challenged by journalists who are in a hurry to publish faster than their peers.

Early on Thursday April 3, 2008 I launched a 90%-false press release as a joke, a test, and an example.

Within a few hours, it was picked up and published by websites around the world! Many news writers added original material to demonstrate their extensive knowledge of the subject. Some made silly mistakes that showed that they did not even read what what was in front of them. Only one called me to verify the story and I told him that the news was a spoof.

Most press releases include a quotation from an executive vice president or director of something. But 90% of the time, the important person who is quoted never said those pithy and powerful words. The quote is a phony, invented by the public relations person (“flack”) who wrote the press release, and is trying to flatter the exec by getting her or his name printed in newspapers and magazines, or into blogs, websites and search engines.

Some reporters and editors are both lazy and competitive.

My first job after college was as assistant editor of High Fidelity Trade News, a magazine that went to hi-fi stores. Our direct competitor, aimed at the same audience, was Audio Times. Both publications, and dozens of other media, received the same press releases about new products, with the same fabricated quotes.

A lot of my work involved rewriting press releases for publication. I was supposed to filter out the superlative adjectives and make the news sound more like news than like advertising. On one of my first days, my boss Bryan returned an article I had written with a quote crossed out and a big PR BS written on it. Bryan told me to assume that the quotes were bullshit, and that we never publish them.

The other guys had lower standards and higher self-image. They enhanced every quote into something like “in an exclusive interview with Audio Times, Sony marketing director Fumio Watanabe explained that the company’s new XRT-707 would revolutionize the...”

So, you shouldn't believe everything you read. But, you should believe this page.

Authors: keep your ego off your book covers until you are famous

A while ago I was speaking to a "book shepherd," a woman who guides wannabe authors through the publishing process. She works with writers with a wide range of ability, experience, expectation and ego. She said that many writers have such strong egos that they expect their portraits to be on their front covers. 

Some authors deserve this super-star treatment but not many, and certainly not many newbies.

• If you are writing your first novel or a book of poems, it's highly likely that very few people have ever heard of you and that neither your portrait nor your name will provide a good reason for anyone to invest money and time in reading your precious words. It's much more important to have a great title and cover design.
• If you're writing nonfiction, whether about the Korean War, cooking pizza or climbing mountains, unless you are famous for achievements in the subject you are writing about, neither your name nor face are likely to convince anyone to invest money and time in reading your precious words. It's much more important to have a great title and cover design.

(above) If you are as famous as Martha Stewart or Suze Orman, and an expert in the field you are writing about, by all means put your portrait on the cover.

(above) If you're famous mainly for being famous, it's critical that your smiling face be on the cover of your books.

(above) If you have a lot of fame or a bit of fame and your physical image will enhance the mood of the book, put your pic on the cover.

(above) If you're famous for your written or spoken words, your face belongs on your book covers—even if you're dead.

(above) If you're well-known for politics, your image gets to smile at book shoppers.

(above) Everyone who wants to be president of the USA—or to be remembered for what was accomplished while president—is assumed to be a professional writer. Fortunately, ghostwriters are readily available to aid the inept. The photo on the cover shows the politician, not the actual writer, and sometimes serves as a campaign poster.

(above) Sometimes, not often, books by presidential hopefuls do not have faces facing readers.

(above) If your main claim to fame is that you impregnated a relative of a politician, sure, put your photo on the cover.

(above) If you're not famous, but your appearance adds credibility and implies expertise, sure, put yourself on the cover.

(above) If you're not famous and the presumed audience for your memoir consists of people you know, your portrait certainly won't hurt sales. This is a very interesting book, by the way. I recommend it.

(above) Unfortunately, many authors use amateur photos with bad poses, bad lighting, bad focus and distracting backgrounds -- on a bad hair day. The book shown above may be the worst book ever published, so the horrid author photo is sadly appropriate.

(above) Even a well-done photo may be inappropriate if the person has no known connection to the subject of the book. This cover has another, bigger problem—the text is extremely difficult to read. Also, the circular necklace ornament right in the center is distracting.

(above) My newest book shows my highly modified face on the front cover (plus some old faces). It's a very personal book, so it's appropriate for my face to be there. If I was writing about Richard Nixon, chocolate cake or the Peloponnesian Wars, my face would be on the back.

Here's some advice from Hobie Hobart of Bowker (the ISBN and book research company): Many authors think that putting their picture on the front cover will make them famous. This is not necessarily so. Unless you are well known in the media, bookstore buyers will not accept your book which pictures you on the front cover. However, if you are selling exclusively to a tight niche where you are well known, or your intention is to start branding yourself to a specific market, your photo on the front cover or the spine can be an advantage. 

BE PREPARED to take advantage of book publicity

You probably know the scout motto, "Be Prepared." In various versions, it's used by scouts worldwide, by both boys and girls.

The motto goes back more than 100 years. In Scouting for Boys, Boy Scouts founder Robert Baden-Powell explains the motto:

• "Be Prepared in Mind by having disciplined yourself to be obedient to every order, and also by having thought out beforehand any accident or situation that might occur, so that you know the right thing to do at the right moment, and are willing to do it.
• Be Prepared in Body by making yourself strong and active and able to do the right thing at the right moment, and do it."

Satirical singer/songwriter Tom Lehrer has a different interpretation of the phrase.

OK, back to books . . .

In 2008, eighty-year-old New Jerseyan Alfred Pristash paid Author House to publish a memoir called My Changing World.

Pristash spent 18 months writing the manuscript in longhand, and then dictated it to a son who typed it. The book received extensive and complimentary coverage in NJ.com and in a major New Jersey newspaper. The article mentions that the book sells for $73.99 and is available at Amazon.com.

I was curious to see how an Author House book could possibly justify that high price.

Unfortunately, the Amazon page had just basic facts like page count and size. After more than 16 years there is not even one review on Amazon—and no information that might convince me to spend $73.99. The online sample shows abundant silly errors that should have been caught and corrected by the "experienced editors" at Author House.

[above] The AuthorHouse website was equally barren and useless. Links for “Overview," “About the Author” and “Free Preview” contained nothing. Since April, 2008, the site has indicated that more information would be "coming soon." 

When is "soon?"

How long should potential readers wait?

How long should the author wait?

I did not place an order, even for the promoted but-still-too-high price of $32.20.

If you are lucky enough to get media coverage of your book, be sure your online presence is ready to back it up and sell some books! If you've paid to be published, don't waste your time and money. BE PREPARED.

Book cover inspiration in a Chinese restaurant

Books have been around for centuries, and there are just so many ways to design a cover.

Book covers use just three basic ingredients that can be combined in various proportions:  

1. text
2. graphic image (a picture)
3. negative space (nothingness).

Some books have text but no picture, some have a picture but no text. At least one cover has nothing on it. Some have lots of space, or very little. Some pictures are photographs, others are drawings or paintings. Some images are literal, others are symbolic, or abstract.

 Some covers are beautiful:

Others are deliberately or accidentally ugly:

On some covers the text is vertical, or backwards or upside down or in a spiral or is chopped up or smeared. Some text is tilted, some portraits are rotated, or are blurred, monochrome or converted to line art. Some covers are horizontal instead of vertical -- or square or even oval or round. Some covers are made of leather or metal or bark or parchment or canvas. Some type is metallic or glows in the dark, or feels fuzzy or is embossed, debossed or cut out. Options seem endless.

I've written many books about writing and publishing books. In this genre, options are less than endless. Most books in the field show either (a) a book, (b) a bunch of books, (c) a writer, (d) equipment used to make a book, (e) money, or (f) a reader.

For a long time, I wanted to find a new look for books about publishing, and wanted something that would tie a family of books together.

A while ago I happened to notice a calendar in a Chinese restaurant. The top showed a pagoda. Or maybe it was a dragon, or a Buddha or the Great Wall. (The calendar image up above is a fake I produced for this blog post, with illustrations from Fotosearch and FreeBookmarksCalendars.com)

The calendar in the restaurant wasn't great art, but it captured my attention more than a mere restaurant logo or picture of a bowl of chow fun would.

That calendar made me realize that a book cover could perform two jobs: it could be entertaining in itself (in my case, evoking a smile or a chuckle) and identify the book. 

I decided to use the spirit of a 1950s-era comic book and spent a lot of time studying stock images from iStockPhoto and writing captions and book titles.

This led to four e-books priced at just $4.99 each.

Later I decided to experiment with a $2.99 quickie. Writers Can Get Away With Apparently Absurd Tax Deductions That Ordinary People Can't. 

Innovation is important. I'll resist the powerful temptation to tell you to "think outside the box," and will, instead, advise you to
"think outside the book."

 What's a typo and what's nto a typoo?

"Dinning" is a typo. "Bed's" is not.

Many people seem to think that a typo ("typographical error") is any textual error in typing, printing or sign-making.

That's not the way it is.

A typo is an error in typing (or operating sign-making equipment) caused by tapping the wrong key.

• It is a physical error usually caused by haste or clumsiness (often a "fat finger" that taps R instead of T or two keys at the same time -- very common on touch screens). Typos include leaving out a word or letter, repeating a word or letter, reversing the sequence of words or letters, leaving out a space, inserting an extra space, accidentally changing to bold or italic, etc.
• It's not a mental error caused by ignorance of spelling, grammar or facts.
• It's not a mechanical or electronic error caused by a problem with a computer, printer or program.
• A typo is an error that you know is an error, not an error you think is correct.

People who are ignorant or stupid should blame their brains, not their fingers.

Everyone who types makes typographical errors.

In the last few years I’ve frequently and stupidly held down the shift key as I pressed the key to insert an apostrophe, and ended up inserting a quote mark.

I also often type “i nthe” instead of “in the” and “fro ma” instead of “from a.” I also tap the Caps Lock key a lot by accident, and the semi-colon instead of the apostrophe next door.

I solved part of the problem by removing the Caps Lock key from some of my keyboards.

While writing a recent book, I started tapping the “Page Down” key instead of “delete.”

I've also degenerated from being the world's fasted six-finger typist to a pretty-good two-finger typist. (I actually have 10 fingers -- but I don't use them all for typing.)

If I live long enough I’ll probably develop even more bad habits that I can’t control. I hope sloppy typing is not an early sign of dementia.

• Some authors blame others for errors in their books. If an editor does not fix your error, it's still your error. One of the worst blame shifters I know of is an author who blamed a printing company for creating textual errors that were not in the PDF document she submitted for printing. Sorry, the world does not work that way.

- - - -
Street painting photo from sun-sentinel.com. Pie's photo from www.telegraph.co.uk.
Political sign photos from About.com. Thanks.
Other sign pix and keyboard pic by Michael.

Recycle, rearrange, repurpose, reuse, resell

When I was in Mrs. McGarthy's class in fifth grade, each student had to choose an American president to write a report on. I don't remember why, but I picked James Buchanan. It may have been because I was a stamp collector and had a "plate block" of three-cent stamps showing Buchanan's home, Wheatland, which was issued in 1954.

Buchanan was the 15th president, serving from 1857–1861, right before Lincoln. I don't remember much more about him. He was the only president from Pennsylvania and the only non-married president.

Buchanan's significance to me greatly outweighs my knowledge of him, because that report became the source of a valuable lesson that has served me well for over sixty years: You can sell the same words more than once.

When I was a school kid, I wasn't selling words for money as I did later, but I did have to convince my teachers of the value of my words to get good marks, so the processes were related. Then and now, it's good to maximize income and minimize effort.

• The Buchanan report I wrote for fifth grade was subsequently improved, modified, lengthened and submitted to my teachers in sixth, seventh and ninth grade, plus my junior year in high school, and for an American Studies course in college.
• I also wrote a report on Warren Harding and used it in two classes. I think my brother recycled it, too.

Ironically, U. S. News & World Report ranks Buchanan as the worst president ("He refused to challenge either the spread of slavery or the growing bloc of states that became the Confederacy.") and Harding as second-worst ("He was an ineffectual and indecisive leader who played poker while his friends plundered the U.S. treasury."). Was there a subconscious pattern to my picking?

After college, as a freelance writer, I often sold variations of the same article to multiple magazines with different audiences, such as Rolling Stone and Country Music, or Esquire and Ingénue.

It works the same way with books.

A few years ago, I published Become a Real Self-Publisher: don't be a victim of a vanity press, which was written for people who don’t use self-publishing companies. I later published a spinoff—aimed at writers who do use self-publishing companies, Get the Most out of a Self-Publishing Company: Make a better deal. Make a better book. I also updated the original book as Independent Self Publishing: the complete guide and published yet another spinoff, Brainy Beginner's Guide to Self-Publishing, aimed at writers who are unsure of their path to publication. Parts of the first book were also used in my Stupid, Sloppy, Sleazy book about Outskirts Press.

All of those books include material originally posted on my blogs, and some material written for my books eventually shows up on my blogs.

I later assembled several $2.99 Kindle spinoffs of much more expensive p-books. Each book took less than two days to produce and put on sale.

• Writers Can Get Away With Apparently Absurd Tax Deductions That Ordinary People Can't
• What Do You Call That Funny-Looking thing? terminology for self-publishers 

Look at what you've already written and figure out how you can Recycle, reuse, repurpose, revise, sequelize and serialize. It's the American way.

My first book about phone equipment has had three spinoffs, and more may yet arrive.

My funny memoir has had three spinoffs, so far, plus other editions.

SPECIAL SALES

Many thousands of books reach readers without booksellers. They are distributed—sometimes for free—by entities that want information or opinions circulated. These “special sales” can generate high profits, with no risk of returns.

A book you’ve already written may be perfect for use by an association, corporation, government, charity, foundation, university or a political party. Perhaps a book you’ve written needs just slight changes and perhaps a new title and cover to become perfect. Maybe information in your book is fine, but the book needs a new point of view or emphasis. Make a deal.

- - - - -

(Buchanan portrait is public domain, from the White House)

If egomaniacs Kylee and Heather can be queens, I am the king!

They can kiss my royal ass.

Years ago, Queen for a Day was a popular radio and TV game show, where ordinary women competed to be treated royally.

Today, there is no need to impress a studio audience, or be the daughter or bride of genuine royalty. If you want to be a queen, just proclaim it—and so be it.

• Kylee Legge calls herself "The Publishing Queen" and insists that she "has been involved in writing and publishing books since the day she was born." She thinks she can teach people how to write a book in just seven days. She's an egomaniac and an extremely sloppy writer and editor.
• Heather Covington beats Kylee in the Queening competition, two-to-one! She has TWO realms, as both "Print-On-Demand Queen" and "The Queen of Murderotica Suspense." She also brags that she is a "YouTube marketing expert, editor-in-chief and publisher." Her Highness has also claimed to be "Literary Diva," "The Literary Heat" and "Babe Charisse Worthington."  This queen wants us to know that she is an entertainment journalist, author, motivational speaker, awards official and promoter. Like Queen Kylee, Queen Heather is an egomaniac and an extremely sloppy writer and editor.

• Queen Elizabeth II became queen the old-fashioned way—she was born into royalty, as the first daughter of King George VI and Queen Elizabeth I. This Queen was Head of State of the United Kingdom and 15 other Commonwealth countries including Australia, Canada, Tuvalu and Jamaica. Her son Charles became king after her death. 
• Queen Heather lived in the Bronx, New York. I was born in the Bronx, in the ROYAL HOSPITAL, and lived in the Bronx from 1946 to 1952, and then again from 1970 to 1975. I am therefore even more royal than Heather Covington, and I hereby proclaim myself to be Publishing King. Bow down, Kylee and Heather, and prepare to kiss my royal ass.
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